I had the idea for this post during Big Brother last year but I just procrastinated over it, the show ended and so the moment passed. Of course the conservative shitfire has been unleashed again this year, right on cue, so its time has come round. (This post isn't trying to excuse "turkeyslapgate
" by the way. There's no "fine line" that they crossed. The line is miles wide, visible from the fucking moon, and it's made up of the letters C-O-N-S-E-N-T over. and over. and over. again.)
What set me off last year was a comment by one of the great unburied dead of Australian television, Roger Climpson
, on a Sunday feature story
about him, Brian Henderson, and 50 years of
Oz TV. They were both asked towards the end of the piece what they thought of Big Brother
. Hendo was clearly unimpressed but remained diplomatic. Climps however, and God bless him, didn't hold back:
"I don't like it at all. Cut or uncut. Sorry. I think the language is disgusting. I think what you're allowed to see on television these days should not be allowed. I think the use of the 4-letter word is totally unnecessary. And I think that it's having a very bad influence, I think, upon people's general attitudes, certainly the younger people."
Not like in his
Roger "The Rodge" Climpson: Hi Ho, cats and chicks! Welcome to tonight's "Big Brother", the craziest
actuality programme sweeping Australia's sitting rooms! It's even doing a better job than your Mum! Haha. Just kidding, Mum!
It's also the most controversial, ever since last week when we sent in a "New Australian" as an intruder. Marie (or "Maria" as she
seems to like saying it, although that could just be her terrible accent) has caused plenty of complaints from viewers and newspaper commentators, particularly about her lack of petticoats and her tendency to go gloveless around the young men. But never fear, viewers: You can evict Marie by dialling 492378 and asking for extension 12. And with immigration officials keeping a close eye on her insolent cheek these past few days "Maria" could find herself on a boat back to Maltland very, very soon.
Well, the last 24 hours have seen some crazy
stuff happening in the house. Big Brother made Marie the cook two days ago and the other girls weren't happy from the get-go about being kept out of their natural domain. But the boys aren't happy either, what with all the weird concoctions they're being forced to eat:
Bluey: What the flippin' 'eck is this?!
Maria: Eet is called "Stuffat tal-Fenek
"! Eat, Bluey! Is delicious! Will give you biiig muscles for shearing the sheeps, no?
That's bleedin' right! NO!He flings the plate at Maria's head. She ducks. It smashes against the wall.NOW GET BACK IN THERE, WOMAN, AND COOK ME A FLIPPIN' STEAK!!!
Rodge: Hehe. Bluey certainly knows what he likes.
After lunch the girls are in the backyard doing their calisthenics. Less chatter, girls! Lift those knees!
Once they're finished and back in the house the boys get their turn. While the other chaps have a hit of cricket, Savs and Curly do a workout with the medicine ball:
Curly: So...umm...who are your favourite movie stars?...
Savs: uhh...Robert Mitchum, I s'pose...John Wayne...Marlon Brando's orright.
I really like Montgomery Clift...
Did you see him in "A Place in the Sun"? Amazing
Right...Elizabeth Taylor's cute.
Yeah...and Monty was in "Red River", with John Wayne, too...
...so...do you exercise a lot?...you look really fit...
...uhhh...do you like the wrestling?...
Not much... 's orright.
...umm...okay. Fair enough...I was reading this really good book recently, It's cal-
(stops suddenly and stares suspiciously at Curly
You a poof or somethin'?
) What?! No!
Hey, fellas! Curly's a flippin' queer!
I'm not!The boys abandon their game and stride over. Bluey brings the bat. Curly runs away until he reaches the back fence. The lads surround him, beat him to the ground, and start kicking. When they're sure he's dead they toss his bloodied corpse into the swimming pool. They return to their game.
Rodge: Well, I do believe Curly has learnt to keep his sick feelings to himself from now on.
It's tea-time now, and newly-wed Pearl helps Marie with the cooking. Pearl's been a bit quiet today after hubby, Cyril, exercised his conjugal rights last night. Meanwhile, Cyril and Pat have a heated political debate:
Pat: I reckon keeping Evatt
on as leader is Labor's best hope for getting back on track after the split. The anti-communist scare-mongering of Menzies and his henchmen will keep working for a while, but-
Cyril: What's wrong with letting people know the Labor Party's full of communists?
Because it's not. It's a pack of lies. Caring about the rights of workers doesn't make someone a communist.
Of course it's full of them! What about them blinkin'...Petrov
The Petrovs aren't in the Labor Party! They're not even Australian!
Too right they're not Australian! Flippin' commies!
Yeah, bleedin' commies
No! They're actual
Russians! And they're not even communists any more! They defected, you idiot! They're on our side!
On your side?! So you're admitting you are
(buries head in hands
) Oh, for Christ's sake...
THIS IS BIG BROTHER. PATRICK: FOR TAKING THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN, THAT IS A 10 SHILLING FINE AND 12 HAIL MARYS.
Oh, get F-
Rodge: Well, that's the programme for tonight, kids, and don't forget to call and vote as many times as you like to evict either Patrick, Marie or Curly.
And, kids: also don't forget to remind Mum she should stock up now on Nigger Brown nugget
- Australia's number one shoe polish. It's neat! She also mustn't forget Dad's copy of The Bulletin
, the nation's top opinion-shaping current affairs journal, helping to preserve "Australia for the White Man
Cheerio, Guys and Dolls!